“Dear friend, here we are again pretending
to understand how you think your world is ending.
Sending signals and red flags in waves…
It’s hard to tell the difference between blood and water these days.
I’ll pray that one day you see
the only difference between life and dying
is one is trying, that’s all we’re gonna to do.
So try to love me and I’ll try to save you.”
~Twenty One Pilots [Lovely]
Let me be honest.
I don’t feel like an adequate woman, friend, sister, daughter, and I definitely don’t feel like an adequate Christian. I feel like I am fake and passive, sinful and hopeless. I’m a basket case with lots of issues, I tell myself. What I know for sure: I’m definitely trying to take myself out.
I’ve stated before that I struggle with hypochondria. Lately it has been worse than ever before. No matter what I tell myself, or anyone else tells me, I think I’m dying. No one can tell me differently; I’m stubborn when it comes to lies I believe.
The past week my go-to song has been “Lovely” by Twenty One Pilots. I really enjoy the sentiment–the speaker is trying to reach the subject, who seems to be having trouble seeing the truth. The repeating line is the speaker saying, “I’ll take you on a ride / I will make you believe you are lovely.”
I think the sentiment I’ve been getting from hypochondria has begun to creep into my faith. The past month or so I have not been content with my dedication to God and I think he’s finally revealing something to me. I don’t believe I’m adequate and I think that has been my biggest hindrance. Girls tend to compare themselves to others, but here’s a secret—anxious girls compare themselves even more so (yes it’s possible.)
I’ve let comparison seep into every crevice, even something as beautiful as faith.
God has always wanted me to put burdens on him and let him take care of it. Despite what my anxious mind wants to believe, I can never be in control. I can have a false sense of security, but that is fleeting.
Here’s the truth, despite what my mind wants to insist: I am not my sin. I used to be, before I accepted Christ, but I’m not anymore! Anxiety, hypochondria, the fear of death, worry, stress—all of these are burdens that I don’t have to carry anymore! Praise the Lord!!!
Whenever you or I sin the reaction should not be ‘dang it, God, I can never be what you want me to be!’ No amount of our own works can change what Jesus has done. I hope that none of you get stuck in the lie that you have to prove yourself to our Father. That is simply not true. Instead, the goal should be learning and repenting from our mistakes, while thanking God for his unending grace!
“The only difference between life and dying / is one is trying.” That doesn’t mean we will be perfect in our faith, that’s impossible! But we will earnestly try to give God the glory he deserves and give thanks to True Love.
Let me look at the world through this liberating lens. Let me change the world and love on others because God loves on me, even when I have moments of inadequacy.