Yellow Birthday

I wrote this yesterday, 8/15/17.
Button up and button on

Today is yellow birthday

Did you hear the tears last night

Dripping into a yellow pool

That juxtaposes sass and smiles

With tired, aching, dry eyes

Yellow, sallow skin

Help

Yourself to a piece of cake

Smile and reminisce into the lens

Then drive through yellow-lit fields

A color grim and grateful

A color faint yet strong

On this dear yellow birthday

I’m reminded where I belong
~Annah

Summer 2017 Books

Nowadays, reading can be a challenge for many, because we have an internal debate that was nonexistent even a decade ago: to read or to watch Netflix? Seriously, it’s a struggle. For me, they both always sound so inviting, but one has to win out over the other. My reading patterns consist of either seasons of constant reading or seasons without reading. But whenever I begin seasons of reading I always wonder why I ever stopped. It is relaxing, it is engaging, and it is fun. I wholeheartedly believe that if you don’t like reading, you just haven’t found the right book for you yet.

My “to-read” list is probably about a mile long, but this summer I was able to take out a teeny chunk of it. I’ve been tempted to start a new section of my blog where I review all kinds of entertainment, so why not kick it off with my summer booklist? I’ve read a wide range, from self-help, to novels, to religious books this summer. So sit back, grab a refreshing drink, and see what grabs your interest.

  1. Les Misérables by: Victor Hugo (Sort of…)

I actually already read three-quarters of this book two years prior for AP English, but I finally finished that last quarter this summer! (I know, very long overdue.) Although a long time coming, this is actually my favorite novel. I’ve realized what warms my heart the most within books are redeemed characters, which Jean Valjean most certainly is. The theme of redemption provides the hope that no one has to be enslaved to a certain lifestyle or attitude, and our circumstances are always susceptible to change.

This is also one of the longest books I have ever heard of with the most intricate detail and is not for the faint of heart. But if you want to really invest yourself in a story and characters with great depth to them, if you like the musical or movie and want more detail, if you enjoy seeing a cast of characters of all kinds, then this one’s for you.

  1. The Book Thief by: Markus Zusak

Set in Germany during Hitler’s reign and narrated by Death, this book became popular a few years ago. Unfortunately I was not a part of that trend, but after blowing through it in two days and crying my eyes out, I can confidently say this is one of my new favorite books. Voice and language is what Zusak does best and are the tools that will keep this story embedded in your mind. The characters are easy to fall in love with and the narrative is a powerful page-turner. I would recommend this to everyone, regardless of your reading interests.

  1. Mary Poppins by: P.L. Travers

I grew up with this movie and absolutely loved it, which may be part of the reason that I personally was a little let down by the book. I have always been a firm believer that a movie can never be as great as a book, but have always loved both equally in their separate entities (I’m a very optimistic entertainment-retainer, you could say). This is a lovely book for children, with its imaginative series of events. However, if you’re anything like me, and love taking deep themes and messages away from stories, this book is not the best for that. Something I really enjoyed from the movie was the character development of Mr. Banks and the contrast between the fun and silliness with Mary and the kids, to the serious troubles of an adult man, which really caters to every audience and hits a deeper chord. Mr. Banks’ development was not present in the book and Mary was also a much more serious and stern character in the book (although that character change had to have been a result of Disney.) Personally, I preferred the more lighthearted version of Mary that Julie Andrews portrayed and thought a stern Mary who created imaginative events wherever she went seemed a bit odd. But if you want a light read with lots of silliness and imagination, or a good book for your children, this is a great one.

  1. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by: Don Miguel Ruiz

This was a different kind of book for me, but I wanted to read it because it meant a lot to a friend. I’m really thankful I did, though, because I think it’s crucial to read all kinds of viewpoints and lifestyles, not just those like your own. That’s how we learn from each other and understand each other better.

This book is perfect for those of you looking to better your life and seek personal happiness outside of the major religions. I appreciated the sentiments behind the four agreements, and as a Christian, was able to see some similarities between the two different belief systems, which was super interesting. If finding new ways to personal freedom or seeking to understand other viewpoints interests you, here’s your book.

  1. Mere Christianity by: C.S. Lewis

I’ve always been a Christian who prefers to stick with the Bible and is not interested in other Christian books, but I ended up reading not only this spiritual book, but the next two on this list, which is really different for me. (Not going to lie, during the period of reading The Four Agreements and these three, I basically had separation anxiety from novels.) Lewis is so intellectual that it blows my mind. Everything he writes is so articulate and it makes me think he came out of the womb using words like ‘obsequious’ and ‘taciturn.’ Talk about thorough though, this book is 100% thorough. It’s also dense and not a quick read, so expect to really put your thinking cap on every time you sit down to read. This is not a book to change anyone’s mind about anything, but if you really appreciate sound, structured arguments with solid examples to back them up and/or you want to reaffirm your Christian beliefs, you have exactly that within this book.

  1. Mister God, This is Anna by: Fynn

This is one of my mother’s favorites and so I thought I’d try it out. Sure enough, I opened to the first page and she had ‘Anna’ and ‘Joy’ circled, which are my first and middle names. The author is actually the main character in the book and it appears to be based on a true story, but the difference between the truth and fiction is not certain. The story centers around a wild and confident four-year-old girl named Anna who is taken home to live with a nineteen-year-old man named Fynn and his family. In the time he lives with Anna, Fynn learns about ‘Mister God,’ this important relationship in Anna’s life. This book offers unique perspectives of God that may offer a fresh viewpoint for interested Christians.

  1. Jesus > Religion by: Jefferson Bethke

Like The Book Thief, I made quick work of this one. Not only was the title intriguing, but I’ve been watching Bethke’s YouTube videos for a couple years now and knew I would love his style of writing. Compared to C.S. Lewis, Bethke is almost the opposite writing style—very simplified but straightforward, with many emotional and real-life examples to back up his points. His points don’t require a ton of concentration, but may stir up some disagreement among Christians, as he focuses on how we are living/where we’re failing as a church versus how we should be living.

  1. The Good Earth by: Pearl S. Buck

As I write this, I still have 50 pages left, so this may be “cheating,” but I’m going to give my review from what I know of most of it. This is an incredibly intriguing novel that deals with Chinese culture and Buck received the Pulitzer Prize for it back in 1932. I never read nearly enough ethnic literature, so I’ve enjoyed this excursion (added to the fact that it’s my first novel in two months). It focuses on Wang Lung and his family as they battle through multiple famines and family hardships. This is a great book to help expand your cultural knowledge (within reason, as it is still a novel) and would also be awesome for a book club—my copy even has some great discussion questions in the back!

I hope you enjoyed this review post! There were a lot of ‘firsts’ within this group of books and the eclectic mixture ended up being really cool. So I hope you all could find one you’re interested in taking the time to read and I will try my best to keep reading and reviewing books whenever I can! I definitely have a reading list that will keep me busy.

~Annah

The Easy Way Out?

My dog, Gracey, is really old. She is 16 or 112 in dog years to be exact. Last week we took her up north with us to our family reunion and the hardest part of having her along was not at the reunion as we had anticipated, but the car ride. Over the past year or so her hips have given her plenty of trouble, as she has hip dysplasia. All we wanted was for her to sit, stand or lay down, but instead she crouched in the most awkward position imaginable and when we stopped at a rest area partway, she limped out and could barely walk. (The other people there must have thought something was terribly wrong with our dog…) The rest of the ride we had to force her to lie down and my dad commented, “no matter what, it’s like she does exactly what you don’t want her to do.”

That comment stuck with me–partly because I’m an introspective, pensive person and partly because of the truth behind it. Doesn’t that remind you of yourself? It definitely reminds me of myself. On one hand, as a Christian I think about my sin, and how my mind or my mouth goes directly where it shouldn’t go. Too often my anger flares up and my patience depletes. God sits beside me while I take the reins and the burdens and everything else I shouldn’t and can’t handle.

On the other hand, it reminds me of how humans tend to settle for things that we shouldn’t. We choose the easiest and most convenient path. But guess what? That’s not the best path for us. I see this trend in my life and other people’s lives. I’d rather sit around on my phone doing nothing productive than try to write a novel with characters that mean a lot to me. In fact, I’d rather do anything than write my novel, even though I know for a fact my excitement grows when I actually sit and work on it.

Most people don’t face my particular struggle, though, so let me put it into other terms. We would rather settle for a job that pays than a job that we are truly passionate about and can fully use our unique skills in, so we don’t have to put ourselves out on a limb. We would rather settle for the convenient people placed in our lives at school or work than go out and seek friends that really bring out the best in ourselves, because that involves making ourselves vulnerable. We would rather accept a belief system that’s easy to follow than one that’s hard, because we’re too afraid to truly stand for something. Do any of those resonate with you?

Don’t settle for what’s convenient and easy. We think we’re taking the easy way out throughout all of these things, when really it’s making us increasingly unhappy. You and I have hopes, dreams and aspirations of all kinds, whether that includes what we want to do, who we want to live our lives with or what we want to obtain from this life. You and I were not made to settle. This means sometimes we have to put ourselves out there, sometimes we have to fail and we can’t expect to please everyone (that’s a hard truth for me to swallow). Easy and convenient things are just that, but difficult things require hard work, effort and the best part is that it will be rewarding.

~Annah

Inquiring After a Word

Sometimes putting words to paper is really difficult. Sometimes I find old words that comfort me, because they were not difficult at all. Here is one such work, as titled above.

 

Our mouths carry words with so many meanings

‘God’ is someone I look up to dearly

At his wife the bold man screams ‘god’ clearly

Each of us are delicate, angry beings

 

A dizzy girl lies staring at ceilings

He almost saved her dad—not, but nearly

Musty pews could it really be merely

Wishful thinking through dumb, ‘god’damn feelings

 

Search, but don’t let your heart be too far-gone

Do we praise the god with capital ‘G?’

Opinions are where inner fights will spawn

Left, right, fragments of color only see

A pattern of misery will be drawn

Instead of lenses that will break us free

 

~Annah

Dear Terrorists,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that the world has angered you in more ways than I can imagine. Sometimes it’s hard to see any good when people are frustrating, acting in ways or expressing views you disagree with. I understand that there are many frustrations in the world.

Your life is valuable and you matter. But so does everyone else. I wish you could understand that.

I also know you might feel ostracized from the rest of the world. But you are still a human and the God I believe in still seeks you out and invites you to be his ‘beloved.’ I’m sorry if some people lose sight of your humanity amidst their anger. However, they have reason to be angry and I’m saddened that you are apathetic about the pain you are causing others, and ultimately, yourself. I may not know all your motives (and maybe they make perfect sense to you), but know that I think you’ve lost sight of others’ humanity too. Remembering each other’s humanness is what will solve our issues as the human race.

Would eliminating everyone with different viewpoints really be effective? You would become very lonely, grow restless and still not be satisfied at the end of the day. If you learned how to communicate more effectively face-to-face with others that would help heaps more. Talk to others about why you hold such a strong opinion and why you think they would benefit from acquiring your viewpoint. People would fully hear out your argument that way and you could potentially gain supporters. Whereas, if you killed everyone who disagreed with you sadness, anger and emptiness within yourself all increase. Argue with words, not weapons.

The other day one of you committed an act of terrorism at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester. This was not only tragic because of the lives lost, but because it was at a concert of all places. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you all appreciate some music; every human loves music. The thing about music is that it shows people they are not alone, it provides community regardless of political or spiritual views, and it connects people from all parts of the world. This empathetic art is something we can all agree upon and appreciate—it has been part of societal rituals like weddings and funerals, provided a great stress reliever to all who seek it, and communicated messages our hearts cannot put into words.

As an avid concert-goer myself, this act broke my heart because I know that people wait weeks, months and even a year in advance for concerts. Precious money is saved up for a night of bliss when everyone can sing in harmony in one room to musicians that have cheered them up on gloomy days or even saved their lives. Hundreds and even thousands of people waited in excited anticipation for that concert just to end up dead, hospitalized or traumatized for life. That was the last place they ever expected to die. Concerts are safe havens for so many. Does that really not register any emotions within you? I hate that you’re plagued by apathy.

I hope you have all been moved by music at some point in your life; those are beautifully indescribable moments. If you haven’t, I hope you do soon. Music is a timeless beauty that comes in all shapes and forms.

It is never too late to communicate your feelings in a more productive way. I hope you understand the weight and sadness of your actions someday. I hope you start feeling sympathy for people with different viewpoints someday.

You are still human and I will always treat you as such. I’m upset you have such discontentment in your heart and I’m sorry fulfillment has not flooded into your life. I will pray that you find peace in peace someday.

Sincerely,

A Woman who Loves Music and People

Summer 2017 Goals

After two weeks, it’s finally hitting me that it is now summer. The season of calm, the season of recharging and the season to be reminded to listen carefully to what God has to say about my life. I’m sitting here basking in the hazy, warm breeze drifting through the living room while listening to new music from Harry Styles (basically the next Paul McCartney). Ah, there is nothing like the warm blanket of weather and new music to put me in the summer spirit and my heart is happy.

I then received and began reading a lengthy email from my advisor. The email brought up a lot of things—mostly things that stress me out… my future, my career goals, the average fears of college students. But at the end she wrote about how summer is the best time to listen to God’s calling for your life, be patient, and continually spend heavy, lengthy time with him. It tugs at my heartstrings because it makes me remember what’s most important, which is nothing I or my loved ones have been worrying about.

With that being said, these are my real summer goals. These are the things I am sure of and what I really hope for my summer. These are not goals that anyone else wants for me, but the genuine desires of my heart in this season.

My first goal was going to be “find part-time work” apart from Biggby, but if I’m honest, I’m not sure that’s going to happen. But I’m still praying about it.

The first couple days back at Biggby I was miserable. I just kept thinking ‘God, why am I here? This is dumb. I can’t gain anything from being here again. I’m not even a good barista, I keep messing up and my coworkers have to pick up the pieces for me. I want to be anywhere but here, I still feel tension with one coworker, and this job is a source of negativity for me.’

Since then I’ve been a little stuck. I still mess up now and again when I work, but I feel much more comfortable and back into the rhythm of things. My coworkers, boss and I have shared many laughs and all of the regulars have been so sweet and happy to see me again. But also I just want to be really transparent right now. There’s this person I met last year who I have prayed almost daily for and that person has been on my heart a lot because I know they don’t have many stable people in their life and most days are just “okay.” I’ve never been sure if that person truly cares about me (one of my biggest fears is apathy from people I love), but when I came back and saw them the first time, this person that seldom shares their true emotions was so genuinely excited to see me and it really had an impact on me.

I don’t know what God’s plan is for me in this season career-wise; all I can do is continue to pray. But I do know God works in mysterious ways and the fact that I’m back home and this person is coming back to work at the same time is very interesting.

So after this footnote/goal revision, here are the summer goals I am certain of:

  1. Spend time with Gracey.

Gracey is my sixteen-year-old dog and I have been with her almost the entirety of my life. To some this may sound silly, but for me I am incredibly serious. I love this dog so much and I know her time is drawing to a close, so I want to give her all the pets and treats I can.

  1. Cook for my parents at least once a week.

Yes, yes, I know this has not happened yet. *Cue eyebrow raises and pointed stares as we sit down for a meal.* But the point is my parents are really cool humans and have helped me through everything, so I want to try to give just a little bit back. (And maybe learn some cooking skills for the coming school year.)

  1. Show my family how much I value them.

Not only do meals show appreciation, but I also hope to hang out with my siblings, aunts and uncles, and grandparents more. Whether that involves game nights, good talks or serving in any way I can, now’s a good time to exemplify my love for these beautiful humans I have the privilege of living alongside.

  1. Spend time with God.

This has kind of already been emphasized, but it can never be emphasized enough. I would be nowhere without this cool dude. I’m hoping to turn to him before more and more things, whether a difficult talk with a friend or just a stressful day of work.

  1. Write a significant chunk of my novel.

My future, my career, so many uncertainties… But what is not a question? I’M WRITING A TRILOGY. So now is the perfect time to invest into something I am certain of. Get ready to fall in love with my characters, because I’ve only developed them a little and already love them. It will be an exciting adventure that will hopefully shed light on the broken and forgotten people around the world. My goal is to also write something my grandma will love.

Also this may mean I write less blogs than normal. But that just means you’ll have something in your hands you’ll love way more sooner rather than later.

~Annah

Sophomore Teachings

Sit tight; this could be a long one.

Last year I sat down and wrote a really difficult blog about how challenging my first year of college was. God has definitely been with me through the deepest of pits and that never changes, as sophomore year was a whirlwind of emotions. There were many sweet moments and some rough patches strewn throughout. But mostly, (I can thankfully say) sophomore year has been sweet. I have learned a lot from both God and the people I have journeyed alongside:

 

  1. Be open with others.

The thing is, college seems like a super social place, but the reality is hiding is incredibly easy. Sometimes you become tired of all the “I’m good”s and the constant smiles on social media. You start to wonder if you’re the only one who’s actually not having a good day, week, month or even year. I used to loathe crying in front of anyone growing up because I didn’t want to burden my loved ones. However, the older I get the more open I’ve become with my emotions and although sometimes it may seem like I cry a ton (sorry fam!) I’m thankful I don’t hold my emotions back anymore.

Not only is this freeing for the mind, but it automatically helps relationships when I can have a good cry. Something about someone having seen me at my worst creates a new bond in our relationship. One day I was having a rough time and I thought about calling my mom, but instead I texted a friend I wasn’t super close to and she ended up sitting with me and we talked for an hour. If I’ve cried in front of you, it’s a good sign I love you a lot.

I also love having serious conversations about faith and sin, like one night when my pal and I watched Nacho Libre and then hung out for an hour talking about our struggles with lust. Another cool moment was at church when people were invited to have leaders of the church pray over them. Specifically we had been talking about control, which is something I struggle with a ton, so I timidly went up to my statistics professor, promptly started crying from nerves, and had her pray over me. That brings me to my next piece of knowledge…

 

  1. I struggle immensely with control and selfishness.

God is constantly illuminating sin in my life, but this school year these were the two most prevalent sins. I need to let go of the burden of grades and the future especially. I grip to those things so tightly when I don’t need to. Selfishness has always been something I’ve known I struggle with but this school year really illuminated how it impacts the ones I love. You would think selfishness would only hurt yourself, but sin always leaves its mark on others. My roommate in particular really helped me see that and how I wasn’t cognizant of all of her struggles.

 

  1. Examples of Godly forgiveness.

The sad thing about being close to any human is you’re going to hurt them at some point. I’ve found the true character of a person to come out when they forgive someone and how they forgive someone (or don’t…). The first instance I truly experienced this forgiveness was last summer (yeah, yeah, it’s not totally consistent with sophomore year). I left an uncomfortable voicemail on a previous friend’s phone about my struggle with lust and how I felt it was negatively impacting our friendship and we should probably cut ties. Personally, if I was in his shoes I would have been super upset and uncomfortable, as he had every right to be. But what stopped me in my tracks was the fact that he messaged me back, which I at first took to be a slap in the face (that I really did need), but at the end he said, “Annah, I hope you do well for yourself.” I cannot to this day get those words out of my head, simply because of the grace and forgiveness that rests within them.

My roommate was another person that really exemplified not just what it means to say ‘I forgive you,’ but how to truly forgive as God calls us to. Back to what I started referring to about my selfishness and lack of cognizance, she acknowledged my actions/words, conveyed how they hurt her and then looking past them to say ‘I love you.’ (Roommate, you are such a blessing in my life.) Finally, I can only imagine the amount of times my mother has had to gracefully forgive me for dumb and mean things I say to her. Thank you, Mom, for showing me how to gracefully forgive others in a quiet, humble way.

 

  1. Everything you love has faults, if it’s not God.

Basically, this is me saying I never thought I could dislike an English class, but American literature proved me wrong. It’s nothing personal; pre-nineteenth century writing is just not my cup of tea. (But did you like how eloquently I stated that instead of ‘I didn’t like an English class’?) Although it is still true in a serious way, I think sometimes we forget and are let down by the world.

 

  1. Talk to who you want to!!!

I’m an introvert, and while I have a secret sassy and loud side only certain people see after hanging around me for so long, I’m generally not a very spontaneous, I-love-talking-to-strangers type of person. But sometimes I have hardcore friend crushes and I’ve begun to gradually ignore my fears of ‘oh, but that could be weird’ or ‘but I don’t really know them, I shouldn’t join them,’ because I want to hang out with people I think are cool! Even if it might not be obvious to others I have at least internally gotten bolder this year about socializing with people I’m not good friends with. (Maybe it’s because of my public speaking and barista experiences?) One time I just messaged a girl I thought was cool and was like can we please hang out sometime I’d love to get to know you and she was super flattered! (Maybe she’s even reading this!) I asked people to lunch I wanted to get to know a little better and I even spontaneously hung out with a group of cool tall dudes and had them teach me Spike Ball.

 

  1. God’s plan always happens and yours does not.

I am a planner so every week I would map out what I hoped to get done and every week my perfectly laid out plans would fail. Who knew? Oh right, God. I definitely still struggle with a healthy balance between school and socializing, as I have a hard time studying with other people around. Thus, when my work I hoped to accomplish doesn’t get done right away, I become easily frustrated (so basically, I was frustrated most days.) But my goal for next year is to really let go and be okay with how every day goes, even if it’s not what I envisioned. Because frankly, it will never be what I envision, as much as I love and try to deceive myself that I’m in control. So thanks God, for constantly reminding me of this one.

 

  1. Listen to everyone, especially those you disagree with.

This semester I took an argumentation class for my Communication major that focused on analyzing arguments and forming our own valid ones that were not just ‘your view sucks!’ I’m pretty sure everyone in the class was either in the ‘this is hard’ category or ‘this is boring,’ including my professor (who is also probably the best one I’ve ever had!) who blatantly said ‘yeah, I don’t really enjoy teaching this class, it’s not the most interesting.’ Well little Annah was silently sitting in the corner like ‘I kind of loved this class.’

Normally I avoid controversial topics and conflict in general at all costs. But since taking this class, I’m more confident in sharing my opinions, even if they aren’t popular, because I genuinely want to hear the opposing side’s thoughts and try to understand them. I love when argumentation and viewpoints (especially controversial ones) can be looked at subjectively and broken apart so that the emotions are not involved, to really analyze why people feel the ways they do. It’s not just ‘us’ versus ‘them,’ but it’s humans versus humans, and I want to understand it all!

So sue me, I’m super nerdy about forming and analyzing arguments.

 

  1. A hip hop musical was the best idea EVER!

This one is essentially for my father. So he’s probably groaning and rolling his eyes right now, thinking ‘not again!’ But I would be lying if I didn’t mention Hamilton, the current Broadway phenomenon taking over America, because it was a big part of my year (and how my roommate and I interacted with one another.)

Honestly when I heard the first couple of songs I thought 1. History is not my favorite, I don’t know if I’ll like this. 2. Holy crap, they’re singing really fast, how am I ever going to keep up with this?! 3. I never really listen to rap or hip hop, this will be interesting. So I’m sure my dad has similar thoughts. But then you realize there are slower songs and you also start catching on to the beat and smooth syntax, (the poetry is ingenious, yet historically accurate!) and before you know it you’re bobbing your head and crying at the same time. I finished listening to the soundtrack while I was home filling out my taxes. Needless to say, I’m not sure which thing made me want to cry more. But dad, since you love words, I promise you’ll enjoy it (despite an arm and leg being cut off to get tickets. That might hurt a little).

 

  1. Don’t wait to tell people you care.

One way I exemplified my love for my friends was writing spontaneous letters to people and putting them on their doors. Always tell people how much they mean to you; that will also strengthen friendships.

 

  1. I am truly blessed in every way possible.

Music, writing, food, college, a home, friends, family, and every boss I’ve had so far in life (knock on wood)… I cannot be reminded enough that I am truly blessed, especially in the midst of annoyance with homework or finding a job.

I love the messages God pulls out for us to remember in certain seasons of our life, whether sophomore year of college, first year out of college, or first year of retirement. Keep your ears open to his words.

~Annah