I’ve always wanted to be honest with people. I think it’s very important as a Christian that I can be open about my struggles. While I don’t want to make any assumptions, my freshman year of college was probably different than most of my classmates and their experiences. I would not say it has a picture-perfect ending and I’m not completely satisfied. But I have grown and God has taught me more than I ever thought he would.
To be honest with you, my freshman year has been a struggle. Throughout the course of the year I probably would have told you it wasn’t going very well. Now that I’ve reached the end and seen the big picture, I understand why it all happened. The school year did not go how I thought it would, nor how I wanted it to, but it was perfectly in sync with what God wanted for me.
I knew coming to college would be tough, because I have never been one to enjoy growing up, and this marks a huge part of that process. I came into this world too soon, meaning I needed more attention than the average baby. I’m the youngest of four, which also means that I’ve grown up very dependent upon other people. When I was little, I remember I would go to basketball games with my family because my dad was a coach, and I couldn’t even go to the concessions stand alone, because I needed my mom with me. College means stepping out into the world as an individual and taking care of myself, and that has not been the easiest thing.
As this was my first year being away from home, I think it’s important that God has shown me many of my weaknesses. He has shed a light on sins I wasn’t willing to admit to before and he has shown me where I honestly need help. The first semester was rough because of the drastic transition and I cried so often. After doing work crew over the summer, which was life-changing, I think I figured my life was pretty great as it was and I was on a smooth path with my faith. God clearly has said no, I’m far from perfect, and I need Him every step of the way.
Like I said before, I started going to counseling this year for the first time. I had to admit to myself that I struggle with anxiety and now I don’t mind talking about my mental health at all.
God has helped me realize that I am very insecure about myself and my self-esteem is not where I want it to be. I have talked to my counselor about learning to tell people when I’m not okay with comments they make about me. My counselor told me about a situation where she was treated differently at a job because of her size. Sometimes it honestly does seem like petite people are treated differently in our society, and I hope I can become a voice for those who are petite someday.
I’m also not super close to many people here at school, which has been very challenging. Don’t get me wrong—I know so many lovely people. But oftentimes I find myself alone. I’ve eaten alone many times, I’ve gone to chapel alone a few times, and I’ve been to events by myself. It’s easy to look at these situations and think that they’re unfortunate. But it was necessary for me and I know God will provide in due time. He has already started to. I need to be confident in myself as an individual and my relationship with God first and foremost. These moments of solitude have been a good time to do that.
There have been many wonderful moments throughout the year as well. But overall it has not been easy, and I’m not going to pretend it was. My intention is not to make people feel sorry for me, but to be straightforward and vulnerable. I am thankful for what has happened. These challenges have helped me grow in ways I never thought imaginable.
That dependent little girl is becoming an independent woman in Christ. I’m just progressing at my own pace.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” ~2 Corinthians 12:9
This was not an easy post to write—this was an emotional post to write. But it’s something I felt obligated to write. I’ve always wanted to be a transparent writer.